Enjoy those final days of summer before we're back to school on Monday, August 7, 2023. :)
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Enjoy those final days of summer before we're back to school on Monday, August 7, 2023. :)
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A wonderful article!
The Problem with Punishment [Reprinted from Two Thousand Kisses a Day: Gentle Parenting Through the Ages and Stages by L.R.Knost. Whispers Through Time: Communication Through the Ages and Stages of Childhood and The Gentle Parent: Positive, Practical, Effective Discipline also now available on Amazon and through other major retailers.] ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Want to know a dirty, little secret about punishment? It doesn’t work. Punishment may be able to control a child’s behavior temporarily while they’re small or when they are in their parents’ presence, but it cannot control the person. As with all humans, outward behavior is merely a reflection of our inner selves: our needs, our hurts, our emotional states. While the temporary ‘payoff’ of punishment may be compliance, the need behind the behavior is never addressed and those needs merely get driven underground and often emerge later in more potentially damaging behaviors such as lying, sneaking, anger, outright rebellion, depression, aggression, addictions, etc. In the same way that treating a brain tumor by merely taking a pain reliever doesn’t address the underlying issue, masking the symptoms of an underlying need with punishment-induced compliance doesn’t solve the problem; it intensifies it. Want to know another dirty, little secret about punishment? It requires constant escalation. In order to maintain the temporary effect of controlling behavior, the punishment, or threats of punishment, must constantly be ramped up. Parents who start out with popping a tiny hand escalate to smacking a chubby little leg, then paddling a small bottom. Over time, as their children’s needs which have been driven underground emerge in ever-increasing behavioral issues, parents often find that they are resorting to yelling and threats and physical punishment more and more often. Even parents who use punishment-based parenting approaches other than physical punishment find that they must escalate and escalate to keep their children under ‘control.’ Behavior charts, time-outs, grounding, and removing privileges are some examples of non-physical punishment-based parenting. While these behavior modification techniques may be less painful to children physically, they still don’t address the underlying needs being communicated by the behavior and often are nearly as destructive to the parent/child relationship. Using isolation such as time-outs or sending children to their room separates them from their source of guidance and comfort just when they need it the most and not only misses a golden opportunity to help the child learn coping mechanisms for dealing with their emotions, but also fractures the very connection that should provide the safety for expressing those emotions. Using behavior charts, removal of privileges, grounding, etc. separates children from their parents by creating an us-against-them mentality that inevitably leads to conflict instead of creating a teamwork mentality that leads to cooperation. Here’s the thing, effective parenting and, more specifically, effective discipline, doesn’t require punishment. Equating discipline with punishment is an unfortunate, but common misconception. The root word in discipline is actually disciple which in the verb form means to guide, lead, teach, model, and encourage. In the noun form disciple means one who embraces the teaching of, follows the example of, and models their life after. On the flip side, the root word in punishment is the Latin word punire which in verb form means to penalize, chastise, castigate, inflict harm, humiliate. There is no noun form of punire or its English equivalent, punishment. Many of today’s most popular self-proclaimed parenting ‘experts’ equate physical punishment with discipline and go to great lengths to describe the best methods and tools for hitting children as well as instructing parents to maintain a calm, controlled, and even cheerful demeanor as they ‘lovingly’ hit their children. It is interesting to note here that, when it comes to the law, crimes of passion are treated as less heinous than premeditated, planned, and purposefully executed crimes which are termed ‘in cold blood.’ And yet when physically punishing a child, a crime in many places across the globe, hitting in anger or frustration (i.e. passion) is deemed wrong by proponents of spanking, while hitting children with calm and deliberate intent (i.e. premeditation) is encouraged. It is also interesting to note that, in the not-too-distant past, husbands hitting their wives was also viewed as not only a societal norm, but also a necessary part of maintaining a harmonious, successful marriage. In fact, a man who epitomizes the words calm and controlled, Sean Connery, shared his thoughts on the ’reasonable smacking’ of his wife in a 1987 interview with Barbara Walters in which he explained the necessity of using punitive methods to control women. The core belief behind ‘reasonable smacking’ of wives was that there was no other effective way to control them. I agree. If controlling another human being is the goal, then force is necessary. Fear, intimidation, threats, power-plays, physical pain, those are the means of control. But, if growing healthy humans is the goal, then building trust relationships, encouraging, guiding, leading, teaching, and communicating are the tools for success. Many parents simply don’t know what else to do. They were raised with spanking and other punishment-based parenting methods as a means of control and “turned out okay” so they default to their own parents’ choices without researching alternatives to spanking or considering whether “okay” could be improved upon. Consider this, more than 90% of American parents admit to spanking their children, and yet the common contention is that it’s a decline in spanking that is responsible for the purportedly escalating rates of youth violence and crime. Is it really the less than 10% of children who aren’t spanked who are responsible for all the problems of our society? Or could it be that the 90% of children who are subject to violence at home in the form of being slapped, paddled, smacked, yanked, whipped, popped, spanked, etc. are taking those lessons out into the world? Is it just possible that children who are hit learn to hit? That children who are hurt learn to hurt? Perhaps the lesson they are learning is that ‘might is right’ and violence is the answer to their problems, the outlet for their stress, the route to getting others to do what they want. People throughout history have complained about ‘the trouble with kids today’ and they’ve pinned all the ills of their society on supposedly permissive parenting. They’ve ranted about out-of-control children, disrespectful youth, entitlement, spoiling, disobedience, violence, self-centeredness, etc: “The children now love luxury. They have bad manners, contempt for authority, they show disrespect to their elders…. They no longer rise when elders enter the room. They contradict their parents, chatter before company, gobble up dainties at the table, cross their legs, and are tyrants over their teachers.” ~Socrates, 5th Century BC “What is happening to our young people? They disrespect their elders, they disobey their parents. They ignore the law. They riot in the streets inflamed with wild notions. Their morals are decaying. What is to become of them?” ~Plato, 5th Century BC “I see no hope for the future of our people if they are dependent on frivolous youth of today, for certainly all youth are reckless beyond words… When I was young, we were taught to be discreet and respectful of elders, but the present youth are exceedingly wise [disrespectful] and impatient of restraint” ~Hesiod, 8th Century BC “The world is passing through troublous times. The young people of today think of nothing but themselves. They have no reverence for parents or old age. They are impatient of all restraint. They talk as if they knew everything, and what passes for wisdom with us is foolishness with them. As for the girls, they are forward, immodest and unladylike in speech, behavior and dress.” ~Peter the Hermit, 13th Century AD Sounds familiar, doesn’t it? Maybe, though, there isn’t really any ‘trouble with kids today.’ Maybe the problem is with parents who repeat the patterns their own parents set or with societies who view normal stages of development as somehow abnormal. Maybe ’kid’s today’ are just kids like they have been through the ages, full of exuberance and curiosity and learning their way in a great big world, and a listening ear, gentle guidance, and trusted arms to turn to when inevitable mistakes are made are really all children need to grow up into kind, helpful, responsible, productive members of our society. The bottom line is that addressing our children’s underlying needs, the actual causes of their behavior instead of just the behavior itself, is a far more effective parental approach as well as being significantly better for a healthy, mutually respectful parent/child relationship. Sending our children out into the world as adults with their needs met, with coping mechanisms in place for those times when the stresses overwhelm them, and with the knowledge of a safe haven where comfort is always available when the world hurts them is a powerful way to change the world for the better. Maybe, just maybe, sowing peace in our homes is the answer for our children, our families, and our world, after all. I hope that you've had a wonderfully relaxing summer! I am excited to welcome you back to the 2018-19 school year. It's going to be a great one! Check back for new articles.
Wonderful Article!
10 Truths Middle Schoolers Should Know -Kari Kampakis It’s rare to hear anyone say they loved middle school. Even people with positive memories never tout it as the best years of their life. Simply put, it’s an awkward season. It’s a time of constant changes, social shake-ups, swinging emotions, and intense pressures. If I’ve learned anything from working with adolescent girls, it’s how hungry this age group is for comfort and reassurance. I hear it in their voices and see it in their eyes whenever I speak to a group, a look of searching and a longing to hear something – anything – to help them make sense of things. Please tell me it gets better, their faces silently plead. Tell me this isn’t it. Well, middle school kids, I assure you that life picks up. There’s a bigger, more promising world beyond this rite of passage. In the meantime, I have 10 truths to center you. I hope they bring you peace and a little friendly guidance. Truth #10: Today’s most awkward moments will be tomorrow’s funniest memories. Keep a sense of humor whenever possible. Those braces on your teeth that collect food? That acne on your face that miracle creams can’t cure? That giddy rush you get when your crush walks by, and you can’t think, talk, or see straight? One day these things will be really funny! They’ll be the memories you rehash again and again with your siblings and oldest friends. It takes time, but as you gain confidence, your awkward moments become fun to share. You’ll readily admit yours and laugh at the comedy and conversation that result. Eventually you’ll have a dazzling smile, clear skin, and someone to love. Your current problems will have closure. So stay mindful of the big picture, and remember that even your worst experiences will pass. Truth #9: You don’t want to peak in middle school (or high school or college, for that matter). The worst goal you can have is popularity. Because what often makes adolescents popular – running with the fast crowd, dominating your peers, living a superficial lifestyle – eventually leads to problems. A truly successful person gets better with time. You go from being version 1.0 of yourself to version 2.0, 4.0, 6.0 and so on. But when you chase popularity, you peak early. You stop growing and improving because you’re stuck in instant gratification mode, looking for quick fixes to satisfy your needs. Make it your goal to peak later in life. Make good choices that set you up for a bright future. If you’re not a superstar now, that’s okay. This simply means there are better things ahead as you continue to evolve and learn. Truth #8: Technology makes it easier than ever to ruin relationships and reputations. We live in an age where people post everything online – feelings, emotions, and pictures. I love technology when it’s used wisely, but too often, it’s used impulsively. We let our fingers jump ahead of our brains, and within seconds, we can trigger hurt, misunderstandings, and serious issues. So please, think twice before texting, emailing, or posting on social media. Cool off before giving someone a piece of your mind, venting, jumping to conclusions, reacting out of jealousy or anger, embarrassing someone, or sending an inappropriate photo. Use the Internet for good, not as a dumping ground. And when you have an issue with a friend, call instead of sending texts. It’s easy to put in writing what you’d never say in person, or to interpret a message the wrong way, and the tension this adds to a relationship is hard to recover from. Truth #7: Surrounding yourself with good company is imperative. There’s an old saying that’s particularly relevant to your age group: “Show me your friends and I’ll show you your future.” Sooner or later, a bad influence will rub off. You’ll either make choices against your better judgment or wind up in a predicament. Good friends lift you up. They don’t put you in risky or compromising situations. To become the best version of yourself, you need friends who hold themselves to high standards and want you to reach your full potential, too. Truth #6: What makes you different is what makes you great. Middle school is largely about conformity. I see this firsthand because I live near a middle school, and over time I’ve noticed how all the kids dress alike, walk alike, and act alike. Meanwhile, at my children’s elementary school I see authenticity and diverse personalities because the kids don’t know yet how to be anything but themselves. It saddens me to know that they, too, will eventually feel pressured to hide what makes them unique. You’ll never influence the world by trying to be like it. You’ll never find your calling by following the crowd. So listen to that quiet voice inside you and remember yourself as a child. Cling to the passions you had in your early years, because they hold more answers than you know. Truth #5: It’s okay to not to have your life planned out. It’s okay if you haven’t discovered your “thing.” Chances are, you know kids with immense talent and drive. They’ve trained for years in their area of expertise, and they know exactly what they want in life. Deep down you may be envious and uncomfortable, because you fear you’re getting left behind. You wonder why they have their act together – and you don’t. But even the best laid plans will face curveballs. Even the most driven kids will wind up on different paths than they originally envisioned. So if your future isn’t mapped out by 9th grade, take heart! You’re still young and have plenty of time to discover what you were born to do. Just set goals for yourself, use your gifts, and head in a good direction. Set a positive trajectory so that when you do discover your thing, you’re ready to soar. Truth #4: Your uniform is not your identity. Labels are big in middle school, and there’s a confidence that comes from wearing a football jersey, cheerleader uniform, or other team attire. But remember that having a uniform – or even designer clothes – doesn’t increase your worth. You’re special because of who you are, not what you put on your body or what you achieve. Truth #3: Applause can be misleading. You can make a huge mistake and still get cheered on wildly. Through social media, popularity is now quantifiable. You can gauge your performance by how many “likes”, comments, and shares you get. The best applause to live for is the quiet peace inside you. What makes you feel good about yourself? What helps you rest easy at night? Criticizing someone to bring them down or make people laugh won’t bring you peace. Neither will watching someone else beat up on a kid as the crowd cheers him on. You know the truth by how you feel deep down. And when you seek your applause from within, you don’t need the applause of public approval. Truth #2: There’s a difference between helpful advice and criticism that holds you back. Be careful who you listen to. Some people want you to succeed. Others don’t. Develop a strong filter for whose words you take to heart – and whose words you ignore. Some questions to ask yourself are: Do I trust this person? Are they respectable? Do they practice what they preach? Are they the kind of person I hope to become? Do they recognize my talent and potential and encourage me, or do they drag me down by harping on where I fall short? How others talk to you influences how you talk to yourself. And since that voice in your head impacts your confidence, determination, and willingness to take risks, you want people in your life who speak the truth in love and always with your best interest in mind. Truth #1: You’re AWESOME. Truly, you are. All these crazy changes are leading to something amazing. In the grand scheme of life middle school is only a blip, so keep it in check. Have fun, dream big, and make good choices. One day you’ll look back and laugh at the absurdities of this stage, and if you’re lucky, you’ll enjoy a lot of humor now. Counselor’s Corner: Happy New Year and welcome back! In our counseling classes, students will be learning about developing a growth mindset. The following information comes from research by Carol Dweck, professor of psychology at Stanford University.
GROWTH mindset-WHAT IS IT? We used to think that our intelligence was fixed – meaning we were either smart or we weren’t. Scientists have proven again and again that simply is not true. Our brain acts like a muscle – the more we use it, the stronger (and smarter) our brain becomes. A person with a fixed mindset may do these things: - avoid challenges - give up easily - ignore feedback - feel threatened by the success of others A person with a growth mindset may do these things: - embrace challenges - give their best effort - learn from feedback - become inspired by other people’s successes - believe their intelligence can change if they work hard How you can help your child to develop a growth mindset? Talk with your child about their day, but guide the discussion by asking questions like: - Did you make a mistake today? What did you learn? What did you do that was difficult today? Instead of saying, “You’re so smart!” praise effort, goal setting, persisting through challenges, or being creative. You can say something like: - “Wow! You must have worked really hard on this!” PRAISE THE PROCESS Remind your child that their intelligence is not fixed. Remind them that when things are difficult, their brain grows if they persist through the challenge. Each time they learn something new, their brain is making new connections. Your child needs to know this is possible! 3 HELP THEM CHANGE THEIR DIALOGUE The way your child talks to themselves makes a huge impact on their mindset. If they say, “This is too hard!” help them change that to “I can’t do this yet, but I will keep trying.” Give them the words to say when they are feeling defeated by modeling it yourself! Your child needs to know that failure can (and often does) happen and it is okay! Remind them that each time they fail and try again, their brain is growing stronger! Don’t step in to prevent your child’s failure – this is how they learn to persevere in the face of challenges. In addition to our transition activities at school, here are some good suggestions from Bruce Anderson of Edutopia for parents of rising 6th graders:
How parents can help children make the big change from elementary to middle school. –Bruce Anderson Making the transition to middle school is a real challenge for many students. After all, they are accustomed to one or two teachers per year and staying in a single classroom all day. Being the oldest kids in the school, they’re used to being on the top rung. Students feel comfortable and at-home because they know many of the other students, teachers, and administrators. Now, they’re entering a world that’s much more complex with many more opportunities for success or failure. Naturally, they’re scared. Kids worry about having more homework, making good grades, getting lost on a new campus, or social challenges. The knowledge that they are entering a whole new social world, the fear of rejection, and wondering how to make new friends can cause anxiety. This is a transitional time in their physical and mental development as well. Know ahead of time that these kids will need support, encouragement, and information about what they are going to experience. Suggestions for Parents Here are some suggestions for parents that can work well in conjunction with your school’s orientation.
Milestones testing will take place from April 16th-30th. Here are some helpful tips about what we can do at home to help our children do their best!
HOW CAN PARENTS HELP TO DECREASE TESTING ANXIETY? üDevelop a Mindset for Success – a positive attitude toward testing does make a difference! Share your vote of confidence in your child’s ability to do well. Make the testing window fun and present it as a “Celebration of Learning” üEnsure self-care routines –make sure that your child is sleeping well and eating well, and exercising regularly. Maintain your normal schedule and routine, as much as possible. üReinforce strategies to diminish negative self-statements/self-talk-keep the lines of communication open and promote conversations about testing in a low-stress way. You may want to rehearse scenarios that your child expresses may be of concern, and coach your child to use relaxation strategies such as “belly breathing” and muscle relaxation. üTake advantage of the decreased homework and absence of tests/projects to plan afternoon family time (exercise, play, etc.) Final thoughts-Our children’s level of testing anxiety often mirrors the level of anxiety demonstrated by the adults around them. Ultimately, we are seeking to gain information about how to best serve our children in building the skills to become successful, life-long learners – not just exemplary test takers. Planning for College in Elementary School?
For most families, saving enough to pay for the costs of higher education can seem overwhelming. Did you know that for as little as $25, you can start your child on a path that can take them anywhere? The Path2College 529 Plan can help you put a child's college education within reach if you start early, contribute regularly and ask for help. Georgia’s Path 2 College 529 Plan allows families to begin saving for college with tax-free earnings and tax-free qualified withdrawals. You can learn more at: https://www.path2college529.com/ Path 2 College is also offering a “What If…?” Sweepstakes. Enter for your child for a chance to win $30,000 towards a 529 plan and our school could earn $10,000 too! To learn more visit: https://www.path2college529.com/news/whatif.shtml We are well underway with our career exploration lessons. Each grade level (1-5) will learn about select career clusters. Lessons are completed in the classroom, and in the computer lab on the Portaportal. To view some of the career activities, feel free to login: www.portaportal.com
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AuthorKate Hernandez, School Counselor Archives
July 2023
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